How they ache inside of me - protruding through my shell - functioning as though lifeless yet alive enough to feel the sorrow. 

Repentance is a gift and we numb ourselves to paralysis. 

But the pain murmurs deeply and quietly beneath my facade where I claim Lovesickness with boldness. 

But I am not Lovesick any more, dear sir. To love and yearn for it can only come out of tasting and seeing the joy that might be set on the horizon. 

I haven't tasted in a while. I've forgotten what I once burned for. 

I beseech you then, dear sir... to breathe life upon these broken bones. Could they stand again? Could they dance again? Could they fly again?

Daddy, can I hope again? Can I love again? I cry out to you in my season of despair. Show your voice. Where is my song? Come bless my broken bones, Papa. Heal me. 

Flood my heart and my path O God... reveal your path within my heart. Reveal the YES in my spirit for I know that in my depths, it longs for ONLY You. 

Father, 

I want to trust You so badly. Take me into Your arms and remind me that You have been holding me all along. 

It's not about trusting You in what You are doing, but trusting You in who You are. It's not about You loving me for what I do for You, but about loving me for who I am... for who You say I am. 

Oh Father, steal me from myself. Take me away - lift me up into Your reality into Your tangible atmosphere. 

I NEED YOU. 

where are you?     - little lamb

God, even the places hidden away in the barricade of majestic hills, You see and know and cause Your glory to shine upon them... revealing Your heart. Let me catch it, Jesus... that I may go. 

God break our boxes... Do not let us be arrogant about your grace and your gifts...

The other night I was in a corporate worship service in the South Bay. I was so excited to worship... I was full of expectation. After Mozambique, it's easy to full of expectation. So I rush up to the front and I'm getting all ready for my Jesus to show up. And you did. Of course. You never disappoint me. You met the expectation in quantity... but quality? This wasn't what I was expecting. At all.

Kim Walker, the worship leader, puts out a call of breaking out of our boxes - that you want to break us out this night. Boxes? I have none. :) Yeah well seriously, God. I am not wading by the shore anymore. I mean... I am fully in this. I have jumped in the river... so much so that I have been spit out into your vast ocean of no turning back. What box? This message is for everyone else. Not me.

And I grappled with the Lord about that for a minute. But suddenly I get caught up in a vision or something - I don't what it was except that it was real. And really scary. I was floating in the middle of the ocean. I was completely submerged by water - I was in this. It was incredible. I could even feel the weight of the water around me. So I was just enjoying watching the fish swim and all the life of the ocean move about in fluid unison। I was so sure of myself. God I know so many other who are still just standing on the banks contemplating getting in the river. And you tell me amidst my complete submersion in water that I am still in a box? What box, Lord, please!

And then I am pulled outside of myself. At first I see nothing wrong. There I am in the middle of the ocean. I have scuba gear on and two tanks of oxygen and a mask. I am perfectly safe. No water is even touching me. I am perfectly safe... safe; with air from above. I am still living in my own reality while I try to delve into this mysterious world. I start to notice that I can't interact with the fish. I can only observe them. The only fish that pay attention to me are the curious ones and then they move on. But I cannot become apart of this world so long as I look like this and operate like this.

After this, I come back into reality for a moment. When I open my eyes I see blurry people everywhere. It still looks like I am underwater. Then I hear Kim's voice come back into my head. "We need to break out of our boxes. So God I speak a breaking of all the boxes in this room right now." At that moment, I feel my oxygen tanks on my back burst with such a violent explosion in the vision that in the natural my body actually surges forward. There goes my oxygen. Now I am back in the vision. I actually start gasping for air even in the natural. Water began to engulf my lungs. I thought I was going to die. In fact, I did. The only thing that remained was this ball of light which was my spirit. I saw that inside of that ball of light was another ball of light which was my soul. My spirit managed to save my soul and with that I saw a translucent body form over the two lights. It was my new body. It was completely pure and it was mermaid like.

After this, I noticed that the all the sea life came to me and was able to interact with me. I wasn't a foreigner in the ocean anymore. I wasn't just IN THIS. I was apart of it. I could swim with them - fast and fluid.

God! You want me dead! You want to give me more of yourself.

No matter how far we have come, Beloved, He wants to brings us to glories beyond this earth. He moves us from glory to glory. Ah! There is always more! We need never become complacent in the former revelation because the latter revelation awaits us around the corner just up ahead. But we must die to ourselves and never become arrogant with our little revelation. Though we have changed much - He yearns to perfect us to be more like His son. Who knew that swimming in the middle of the ocean was not enough for Him? It wasn't enough for my spirit.

He bids us come and die...

For the Hungry:

O God of our hearts, Move us beyond the milk of our infancy. Mature and strengthen our temples to hold the solid food of the Kingdom.

Hebrews, the 6th Chapter: “Therefore, let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of the faith in God, instructions about baptism, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And God permitting, we will do so.”
(Vs.1-3).

These are the elementary teachings… these are what He considers the MILK of our faith.
Is this revealed to us, that we might press further into these things- the movement beyond instruction to action being the solid food? Or is there something more? God, what is Solid Food if this is all Milk?

As I was asking this question of my Father, I was drawn into a vision: It was midnight and there was a call. Suddenly a host of angelic forms surrounded me and lifted me up to the Heavenlies. It was never said, my heart knew that it was the appointed time for the feast… the Wedding Banquet because I was dressed for it… even though I had been asleep when the call came. As the gates opened before me, I caught wind of the most wonderful aroma I had ever smelled. My heart beat faster at what incredible feast must be awaiting. As I entered the Banquet room, I looked at the table before me….and what my eyes beheld was My Jesus lying on the table. He was the feast. Ha! He was the portion. He was the appointed feast my heart had been groaning for this entire time.

The following day, I had another vision: It was midnight again. Everything that happened in the first vision happened in the second vision. Except when I got to the gate to the Banquet room, the doors opened and instead it was the Bed Chambers of Jesus! That was the feast!

Could it be that the Solid Food that we are being moved into is the revelation of His lovesickness for us and our portion is the movement of His lovesickness for us propelling our hearts into a deeper lovesickness for Him that we have never felt, heard, tasted, or known before? Could this be our Solid Food. It’s not action – its not works, fruit, ministry… it’s Him. He is our food.

If we don’t surrender the Milk and its physical manifestation of it’s nourishment to go after true Solid Food the Milk will only sour. O God, feed us Yourself. You want to give us more of Yourself.

Without revelation of this Solid Food, we will not be able to offer Milk to anyone else.
This is the OIL of the virgins who slept though their hearts were awake. This is the revelation of Elkana’s love for Hannah though she was barren. We must get this. Maturity is not found in ministry of resurrection or healing or church planting or anything that speaks of fruit on our trees… Maturity is found in the Secret Place with Him; with Jesus, our Solid Food. The Pursuit of the Knowledge of the Holy… Our Lover… that’s what I am after.

So much lies ahead... good things. His new mercies every morning have brought new revelation every morning. I am blessed. 

But O how love is pain. I ache at random times where sweet memories of dear friends in Mozambique hit me and fill me with a longing that cannot be reached. Sometimes I wonder if the season of tears will ever leave me. Other times I pray that it doesn't. It hurts to feel this love... but to be severed from it would be to be severed from Him and His heart. Love is found in sacrifice... I don't understand this. 

Many are invited

Few are Chosen

Even fewer will rest on His chest...

God I claim that spot. I want you more than the table you spread before me. You are my feast. 

June 30-2008

Standing on the edge of the Indian Ocean... I hear Your voice beckon me.
I'm standing there waiting to be touched; full of expectation - knowing I won't leave without a touch from you.
I've seen your waves come past these rocks before, but now they faltar as if to tease me।
I hear you... your saying "Come in, Beloved. I dare you."
The water is there, and I came. Won't you meet me half way, my Lord? Won't you honor my expectancy?
But no. You want all of me. It will cost everything. Even my sanity. "But I want it all."
If you want it, come get it.
And I step in. One step at a time. And you draw me in like breathing my oxygen right out of me until I am gasping for air - desperate for life and its Giver.
I come all the way and I can't go back. Your waves cruise over me and now I can do nothing but go further in. It's my delight. Yes. No turning back.

Its has to be You. Thats all I want.

And if it takes forever...
she will swim the deepest of waters
to find her precious heart.

And so the story goes
that when she found her heart,
the flowers blossomed...
and her wings began to grow!

of course there is alot to process...
so as things come I will share.

The only thing I wanted, God, was to come back a different person. I have always struggled with being under the spell of fearing man. Why? Why do we struggle with the thoughts and perceptions of this world upon us? It's so stifling. But Sweet Friend, by your love, you have liberated me. You have called me Yours and have declared that in Your eyes alone, I find my value, my purpose, my home...
I have been so afraid for so long to love. Yes I have no love without You. In and of myself... what could I possibly offer. But in and of You who is in me - faithfully in me and never leaving me - I have inherited the greatest love known to mankind; An unconditional, sacrificial, everlasting love. Oh how wonderful it is to be your Beloved! I have been so afraid to recieve it and so afraid to give it. But this whole trip has spoken nothing short of Your incredible affection for me. It consumed me and engulfs my core - Your core. O, I am Your dwelling place, Sweet Prince who has saved my heart.
I have become so secure and drenched in your love that all fear has scurried from me before I could even speak against it. "Perfect Love casts out fear!" Ha! It's true. So true, My Love. And now... I praise You Jesus because now... I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid to love. I have such wonderful love to give! And I am not afraid to recieve it.
I was worshiping one night with my Mozambican friends - just enjoying the atmostphere of family... one day EVERY tribe and nation and tongue will worship as one... I was worshiping with them and I decided to turn around and face the stars in the sky... they were brilliant that night. As I was worshiping You - this incredible realization of old came over me; You brought me here - - - ALL the way to Africa ( my childhood heart) just to be with You. Really--- Just to be with You. Thats the whole point. I became flooded with your love at that moment... a deeper revelation that cannot merely be spoken but felt. And I knew in that moment that something had broken over me. Fear was gone.

I praise You forever, my Jesus! My heart sings with wings to You. You are faithful to restore our broken hearts... faithful to restore the very wings we were spoken fourth with... I praise You.

I want to run after your beautiful feet even if I watch them trample all my dreams and blessings on the pathway…

You are SO worth it.

Let me be unaffected; but only that I may be entranced with the Beautiful feet of my Savior – that I will follow like His little lamb.

Kill me, O God. Wreck me completely that I might have nothing left but you. Don’t let me aspire to change because of people.

Make me Holy, undignified, and dead before you – Free and gentle and alive within you.

I do dream of security – but only in You will I be secure.
I do dream of love – but only in You will I know the meaning.

Make me true – that nothing false may be in me or upon me or about me.

Processing....

Intercessors… please pray. There is a lot of witchcraft here and I am feeling it. It is causing a lot of disunity in the body and I am beginning to feel the Lord’s anger towards it. Please pray for clarity and direction. I won’t go into the issues we are currently facing here but pray that I would know the steps to take.

June 26, 2008

Last night we showed the Jesus film in a village way outside of Nampula. ( I hate the Jesus film). Then we asked for the sick to come forward. I didn’t even feel afraid… but the realization that we were the only healers there – as in we were the only vessels available – no Heidi, no Bill Johnson, no John Wymber, no Dr. Rob… just some simple willing people – hit me and I felt myself slip into survival mode. Everyone I prayed for got healed… but it all felt so empty even though I could feel your power move through me. It was like when Jesus was in the crowed and a woman touches the hem of His robe and He felt the power leave Him… it was like that. I was so tired and not interested in these people at all by this time. But clearly You were. Clearly You knew their names and their faces and their needs because I didn’t even have to try. It was your night… not mine. The power just came. The compassion just came. One healing imparticular was so amazing to me.
I watched a woman’s thumb, which was completely twisted and could not bend at all, get healed and bend all the way. I could feel her thumb untwist inside of my hand. She was so happy- she kept showing her friends and everyone just stood around and watched. It still wasn’t completely straight though. So I just wanted her to feel loved… not fixed so I continued to pray. But then some girls came and prayed with me, but they were kind of on a power trip because they didn’t even looked at her. Hey started rebuking stuff in her and commanded healing to come. Nothing happened. One of them saw that she had a necklace and decided it was witchcraft and made her take it off. Still nothing. Then they left and I continued to pray out of love and she got completely healed! She started dancing and wiggling her thumbs and giving me thumbs up and sending other people to get prayer from me.

Even though we’re not supposed to give things to them, I gave her my necklace. She asked if it was a good one and I said yes.

Jesus I thank you for showing up! I am sorry for not having faith but I thank you for building it quickly in me. I felt like last night I moved in love. Not love for the people. But my love with you carried me. It felt beautiful and I could feel you the whole night.

I love you.

This is not your home. You are not scorned for your circumstances but because you are marked with Love Everlasting.

Rise up Dhalits, untouchables, abandoned women, forgotten children – remove your shades and look into His beautiful face for He calls you His and He calls you home.

God show me home so I can tell them about it.

So a woman came up to me on the beach today. She said, “ I see you are reading a Bible.” I said yes. So she sat down and asked if I could interpret her dream.
She assumed that because I am a Christian that I can do the things Jesus can do. Ha!
That really challenged my faith. And God, thank you for giving me the grace to interpret her dream.
What if I walked up to someone in America with a Bible and asked them for healing for interpretation or a word from the Lord simply because they were Christian? What if Christians really lived out the authority they have been endowed with? What if we really knew who we were?

Well it’s been quite a while…

Incarnational Love: You can’t impart it. You can only become it. This is good news to the poor. This is good news to the broken. Mama Aida spoke to us about those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. These ones will be filled. Filled with incarnational love. I don’t have it, God. I just don’t. I can’t and yet you are asking it of me. Think of something else that You can use me for.

I don’t know what was happening to me… but tears were streaming down my face. This school has been a school of tears for me… for so many reasons. And I was the only one crying. I felt so embarrassed because I am used to people crying in church but it’s usually corporate on some level. God, it was just me. How humiliating. I have always wanted to be called out. Big speakers come to our church and they get called out before they speak and prophesied over. I thought to myself… “One day, God, I will get called out. One day.” Well that day came. June 20, 2008. Heidi saw the Spirit on me and she turns straight to me and says, “Jesus is asking you, ‘Will you drink my cup? Will you enter into my suffering, Beloved?’” She is good at singling people out for an example. But this was no example. A couple minutes later in her sermon she turns to me again and says, “Honey, Holy Spirit is ALL over you. You are called to feed the poor. You are called to drink that cup and feed them Jesus.” And I just began to weep. I was so afraid. God, this isn’t what I meant by being called out. NO! I AM poor! I have nothing! She just put her microphone down right then and there and came over to me and wrapped her arms around me and rocked me back and fourth. Through tears she told me how she saw Jesus handing me the cup and giving me His flesh and saying, “Take this, my Beloved, eat it and give it to my children.” All these people came and surrounded me in prayer.

I was the only one in the whole room that got touched by You and it was so urgent that you even had Heidi interrupt her message to speak it out in front of everyone. I felt so sick. Finally called out…. To what? I am so empty God. Help me. Then she told me that I am to preach. I am to give them Jesus.

Here I am…

Quick update: When I was first accepted to Iris for the summer, I also applied for thier Israel outreach. But I never heard back for them so I assumed that I didn't get accepted. When I arrived here, the leader said..."Hello Brianna Nordstrom. O yes, you are on my Israel team." I was really taken back because since I had never heard about my acceptance, I shut my heart down to it. But I was accepted. So I am currently praying and working out the possibility of going on the Israel outreach. So please pray for me.

Also... pray because I am really going through a little dark section of my trip here, feeling overdone and lethargic and sick. I think it's a little bit of culture shock. We have had no water for 4 or 5 days and I am really feeling it. But strangly enough, at the same time of my culture shock, I am experiencing deeper and deeper heartbreak for Mozambique. I spent the night with the little girls the other night and more than I could love on them, they just loved on me. I am falling in love with this country.

Please excuse my terrible writing. I have Portugues and Makua and english running through my head and my words are coming out funny...

It has been about two weeks since I settled myself down in Pemba. Two weeks of offering myself up to God for His work in this place. Two weeks of seeking His face and coming out raw from every class. Class, by the way, is like going to the Harvest Rock Conference in Pasedina. It’s crazy. We have had amazing speakers and crazy testimonies and crazy impartation.

But all I hear is “What does good news look like, Brianna? What does it look like to the little girl who has been raped over 100 times since she was four, has no parents, has lice, scabies and is malnourished? What does good news look like to the teenage boy who’s parents were murdered in front of his very eyes, has no home and was blackmailed into gang violence that he can never escape lest it cost him his life?” What does good news look like?

I come before my God every morning at 4:45am. I draw in His strength and His affection. I re-engage in His beauty and promise for my life… I pledge my allegiance once again to him and then I go out to my crowding beautiful chocolate children calling out, “Brianna Brianna! Bom Dia!” I see Antonio, Ezekiel, Imamu Alexi, Alima, Joao, Sarah, Victorino... I am loved. And yet I am hit with a rush of revelation that tells me I am helpless. I have nothing. I cannot love… apart from Him.

It’s an incredible thing to realize how helpless we actually are. One of my school mates went out on one of the village outreaches. Heidi, before hand, had just been talking about Poverty of Spirit. O, God, impart this to us! It’s an incredible concept that we just don’t understand in the West at all… To be THAT DESPERATE for Jesus? These people are. A whole Muslim village came to Jesus through the Jesus film. They are animistic Muslims who work with witchcraft and shamans to get what they need in terms of healing and favor. They only came to Jesus because they saw how He healed people in that movie. They wanted healing… they were so desperate for restoration. So they brought their deaf and blind and sick and dying to our people. The school mate of mine said that a woman brought her sick baby to him to be healed. As he put his hand on this burning baby’s back, he had the incredible realization of his helplessness. Suddenly, HE was desperate for Jesus. He cried out to Him and said, “It’s all you, God. I have nothing.” And the baby was healed on the spot. The whole village, as I said, came to Jesus and not one of them was left untouched that weekend. They were ALL HEALED!!! Hallelujah!

So far, I have seen several healings. A crippled man walked right in front of me. One woman had internal bleeding and was healed. Another woman was barren and became pregnant. I still haven’t gone on my outreach but I can only imagine how God will rock my heart.

But all of this is just a byproduct. What does good news look like? We have to show the power of God to these people because they live by the power of darkness right now. But for me, the transformation taking place in my heart is more valuable than anything.

I cry everyday, brokenhearted for the world… brokenhearted for Mozambique. What do I do with this heart, God? I am helpless. I have nothing. I cannot love… apart from you. But with You, I really can do anything!
I pray for a spirit of poverty, and a spirit of meekness. God make me humble… and yet I take that back. What a scary prayer. But that’s what it takes here. I have to be a baby here. I am realizing that I NEED the MOZAMBICANS more than they need me. Wow.

Pray for me family… I am dreaming again and am craving taking flight….  Pray that I will come home… haha

I made it. My Visa is not exactly what I wanted but I have one! Obrigado Jesus!
God you have been so faithful to keep me within your protection while I have been traveling. In almost every scary transition, He has reminded me that this is His trip and that I am coming with Him. There were several pictures before I left of Jesus with me in the terminal at the airport. He was carrying one suitcase and my red backpack and I was carrying the other one. In the picture He said, “Brianna, I am with you. Thank you for coming with me to Mozambique.” Later when I arrived at the airport, a man was talking to me and asking me where I was going and what I was doing. I told him that I was going to ministry school. Later his friend came over and was hitting on me and the first guy said, “Man, no. Can’t you see she is with Jesus?” (first confirmation! J ) Thank you, my friend for protecting me.
After that I was on my first plane headed for Heathrow London and there was no one sitting next to me. I imagined Jesus sitting there next to me but then some other man came and sat next to me. It wasn’t his seat but he said the flight attendant said he could move. My heart was aggravated by this. He sat on my Jesus! But then the flight attendant came over to him and told him to move. He said he can’t sit there because it’s for me. I thought that was strange because I was already sitting in my seat. But the flight attendant insisted and I felt the presence of the Lord immediately. (second confirmation! J)
Then I was at the airport in London and I wanted to buy a juice. As I was paying for my juice the man said, “Do you want just one? You don’t want two?” What a strange question. I told him I just wanted one. But for the third time, I was reminded of His presence with me.
I was in line to get on the plane to Johannesburg. The man checked my ticket and let me go through. Then he pulled me back and said, “Wait, are you traveling with someone else?” I told him no. He said, “Are you sure?” I said “yes its just me.” And he said, “That’s funny. It says you are traveling with someone. O well, go ahead.” Incredible! My Jesus was with me! And again on the plane, no one sat next to me except for Him. I safely arrive in Johannesburg and Joshua Seal’s friend, Liesl came to pick me up and take care of me and my Visa!
I am safe and kept in His protection and grace. Father, you are good and you are faithful. This is your trip. Thank you for taking me with you.

The word of the Lord came to me, saying,
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
"Ah Soverign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child।"
But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
Then the Lord reached out His hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destoy and overthrow, to build and to plant."

-Jeremiah 1

!! I am on my way to Mozambique for NINE weeks! Jimeny Crickets, Lord! I leave Tuesday and still have not received my Visa. I have never traveled over-seas alone before, so if Abba leads your heart to do so, please interceed with me, dear friends, that I would walk in favor during my travels. 

In Him...

..."the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. The wise, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps.
The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. At midnight the cry rang out:
'Here's the bridegroom! Come out to meet Him!'
Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said,
'Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.'
'No,' they replied, 'there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead go to some of those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves,'
But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with Him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut..."
- Matthew 25

There is so much work to be done. This has been the busy thought in my mind for a while now… So much work for the kingdom. We must get on it. And I have been struggling with this charge all year. What is my purpose? How do I fit in all of this? God where is my fruit? Where is my ministry? What do you have for me? These thoughts just kept eating me away. So I sat before Him.
K. God. Speak to me. For your child is here listening. Reveal to me what you would have me walk in. Show me what I am to do. I heard the Lord say, “1st Samuel.” - Ok. There’s a start. You’re probably going to talk to me about you called Samuel fourth and revealed to him his purpose. That’s exciting.
So I began to read. The whole beginning of 1st Samuel is about Hannah; dear barren Hannah. She is a pitiful mess, constantly taunted by her husband, Elkanah’s other wife, Penninah. Penninah has many children and she rubs it in Hannah’s face until she weeps bitterly in anguish before the Lord. Elkanah loves her and gives her a double portion of the food he rations out, but because of Penninah’s taunting, she refuses to eat and instead is filled with her tears. At one point Elkanah comes and talks to her:

“Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”
-1 Samuel 1:8

And suddenly I felt compelled to shut my Bible. What God? We didn’t even get to the part about you calling Samuel fourth yet. Nothing even happened. What could you possibly want to show me here?
Hannah’s entire identity, along with most women of that time, was wrapped up in bearing children and preserving the line of her husband. That is what gave her value… Ok what is my identity wrapped up in?
Then I heard the Lord say to me,

“Brianna, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ministry? Don’t I mean more to you than fruit? Don’t I mean more to you than calling… purpose?”

I immediately broke down sobbing. O God, you have poured out on me double portion of your presence and I am stuck on fruit?! I have not truly eaten of you in a season because I am pregnant with tears because I don’t really know what makes me valuable.

I realized then that my Jesus was calling me His Beloved and He wanted to know if He was more important to me than my own significance and my own value. Yes, He calls me to ministry, yes He wants my fruit and expects that I would bear it, yes He has a purpose for me. Yes Elkanah wanted sons from Hannah and yes He wanted her to preserve His line. But more than that, he wanted to be wanted by her. He wanted her.

Beloved, I charge you: He wants to be wanted by you. Don’t be busy like the five foolish virgins who go around busy in their ministries with little oil. Be wise and gather oil from the inside out. Be wise and enter into intimacy and fellowship with our Sweet Jesus.

He wants you. He is hungry for intimacy… are you?

Who am I to you, Jesus? Show me.

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Inheritance...

Sweet Friend, You are my inheritance. There is abundance in your name. There is wealth in your touch. There is royalty in your gaze. You are mine and I am yours. 

The Lord gave me a picture once of my inheritance:

I was standing before the throne with my eyes closed and my hands out in front of me waiting for Jesus to manifest Himself to me. Suddenly I felt a hand on my heart. I could feel energy and power surge from this hand into my heart and then spreading throughout my body. It was so pure and direct that I felt that I was going to be knocked out. But something more forceful inside of me held me strong. Suddenly I was outside myself watching this happen. It was Jesus who had His hand my heart. He was bleeding - I could see it flowing from His hand into my heart. As my heart received His power and His blood, it began to pump His blood to the rest of my body, but it wasn't red blood. It was a deep purple - the color of royalty; and it was HIS. When removed His hand, there was a white rose bud in my heart. And then tears came. The came out of love and suffering. As they fell, they hit the rose bud and slowly, the it began to bloom full and pure and it became a fragrant offering to the throne. 

As sons and daughters of the Almighty God, we share in a royal bloodline from the Father through the sacrifice of our precious Jesus. Because of this, I know that I am called to live the "Royal Way." I am the daughter of the King, purified and strengthened by His blood. 

And yet I find myself stifled with fear at times of my being inept. How easy it is to forget that He it the provider and He is the sufficient one... 

I found myself, the other day, in a fit of rage against God. I recall screaming out to Him, "God why do bid me come and die and then you make me work my butt off just to do that!?" I am headed for Mozambique in the summer. In fact, I leave quite soon. And I have nothing together, nor do I have time to even organize myself properly. Where will this money come from? How am I to get myself over to another country I have never been to by myself without any experience on my own? It's mission work, for crying out loud. God barely anyone will go and here I am... willing! Make it easy for me! 

We just had Missions Conference at my school last week. I found myself entering in sorrow every single day. Where had my intimacy with the Father gone? Was I suffering the repercussions of screaming out to Him? And finally on the very last day during the very last seminar -  breakthrough. 

The Lord said to me, "My grace will complete you." And then He said, "Brianna, I want to introduce you to the Nations. You don't have to introduce yourself."

I had been going crazy trying to get myself "qualified" to go out. Where was God's glory in that? 

Rest in me, my Child, and see who you are. Daughter of the King. Beloved of the Slain Lamb. Provided for, fought for, protected, adored, precious, enthralling, ravishing...

You are Mine and I am yours. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Come...

And it is for Him that I press on. The Nations are groaning to see the face of the Bride... So I will rest in Him, be led by Him and work with Him.