and in that day...

..."the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. The wise, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps.
The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. At midnight the cry rang out:
'Here's the bridegroom! Come out to meet Him!'
Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said,
'Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.'
'No,' they replied, 'there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead go to some of those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves,'
But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with Him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut..."
- Matthew 25

There is so much work to be done. This has been the busy thought in my mind for a while now… So much work for the kingdom. We must get on it. And I have been struggling with this charge all year. What is my purpose? How do I fit in all of this? God where is my fruit? Where is my ministry? What do you have for me? These thoughts just kept eating me away. So I sat before Him.
K. God. Speak to me. For your child is here listening. Reveal to me what you would have me walk in. Show me what I am to do. I heard the Lord say, “1st Samuel.” - Ok. There’s a start. You’re probably going to talk to me about you called Samuel fourth and revealed to him his purpose. That’s exciting.
So I began to read. The whole beginning of 1st Samuel is about Hannah; dear barren Hannah. She is a pitiful mess, constantly taunted by her husband, Elkanah’s other wife, Penninah. Penninah has many children and she rubs it in Hannah’s face until she weeps bitterly in anguish before the Lord. Elkanah loves her and gives her a double portion of the food he rations out, but because of Penninah’s taunting, she refuses to eat and instead is filled with her tears. At one point Elkanah comes and talks to her:

“Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”
-1 Samuel 1:8

And suddenly I felt compelled to shut my Bible. What God? We didn’t even get to the part about you calling Samuel fourth yet. Nothing even happened. What could you possibly want to show me here?
Hannah’s entire identity, along with most women of that time, was wrapped up in bearing children and preserving the line of her husband. That is what gave her value… Ok what is my identity wrapped up in?
Then I heard the Lord say to me,

“Brianna, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ministry? Don’t I mean more to you than fruit? Don’t I mean more to you than calling… purpose?”

I immediately broke down sobbing. O God, you have poured out on me double portion of your presence and I am stuck on fruit?! I have not truly eaten of you in a season because I am pregnant with tears because I don’t really know what makes me valuable.

I realized then that my Jesus was calling me His Beloved and He wanted to know if He was more important to me than my own significance and my own value. Yes, He calls me to ministry, yes He wants my fruit and expects that I would bear it, yes He has a purpose for me. Yes Elkanah wanted sons from Hannah and yes He wanted her to preserve His line. But more than that, he wanted to be wanted by her. He wanted her.

Beloved, I charge you: He wants to be wanted by you. Don’t be busy like the five foolish virgins who go around busy in their ministries with little oil. Be wise and gather oil from the inside out. Be wise and enter into intimacy and fellowship with our Sweet Jesus.

He wants you. He is hungry for intimacy… are you?

Who am I to you, Jesus? Show me.