I was standing at my tiny little self-created kitchen slicing up onions at eleven o'clock at night in my sweats ... my husband wanted a salad. We are young... still on college time. But this song started rolling though my mind - Regina Spektor, The Call. Its from Narnia. I must be obsessed with the movie cuz I can't stop thinking about it. The words kept running through my mind. It's about friendship and parting and going through changes... the inevitable ones for those who are called away to more...  And I stood there cutting my onions with tears in my eyes. My mind was on Caitlin Shirley. Yes... my wet eyes could have been the fault of the purple onions... purple - Caitlin. She is purple in every way except all the secret ways that show up gold or olive green... sometimes orange ( those times are quite enticing because they are usually a match spark for something new that no one has thought of before). She belongs to a Pod that I have with another dear heart named Kindra, though we respectfully call her K. And at times I drink tea and think the same thing about her. 

We were there buying party goods for AS or SMU or something , Caitlin and I.  She was always a "big wig" in all of our school leadership slots. Almost too big to touch at times. But she never left me for long. And things never changed with her. She is like a butterfly that you can't catch but always seems to remain in your garden or on the path before you. She is probably a purple butterfly too. ;) And anyway... So I here I am... chopping onions for Brad with a silly sad Narnia song stuck in my head daydreaming about my dear friend up in Seattle wishing I could buy a new purple dress. And thats that. I haven't blogged in a while. Rusty. But take it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7uoC-YTQy8 --- This is the song... Listen to it. 

My weak body is

bound by the weight of

someone elses world...

gravity is sinking in.

But my heart is caught 

up in Your Splendor - 

what a miraculous gift;

this Lovesick splendor.

It is my portion - 

this dissallusionment - 

to hunger, to thirst after you. 

My Lover, I am captivated

by You - my heart pounds

at the sound of Your voice. 

Your breath enters my 

temple and a song blooms - 

reverberating against the

walls of Your house. 

I cannot escape the movement

 of  Your melody in me -

It awakens what slumbers

and thankfulness swells

within me. 

How can I not praise You, 

Almighty King?

How can I not extend my

hands in utmost praise?

You have found me,

abandoned in my blood. 

You have washed me 

and cared for me. 

You have clothed me

with Your beauty

and called me worthy

of Love.

You have taken me into Yourself

and have named me Beloved. 

You have given me no

higher mandate

than Lovesickness - 

You have caused my heart 

to beat. 

You have impassioned me

with Your fire as You 

said "Live."

I praised You, O how

my soul delights in the

strength of  Your hands!

Abundant life is mine

as you abide in my heart

 and swallow me up

in Yours. 

I want to be lost in You

like creation gets lost in the snow. 

The bushes become pillows that can hold a little girl's explorative efforts. 

The trees join in union and form caverns of tucked away shelter. 

The hills are blanketed under a thick layer of calm...

the silence speaks of a magical hush as if a king were coming and one must hold their breath so as to not miss a cue of splendor, for who know if it may burst like a sun or dance in like twinkle fairies or with dignity, glide in with a stern majesty?

There is delighted expectation and yet deep breathing contentment for the moment all wrapped up in one -- naked clock. 

A clock that gets you lost. 

Lost in the mystery of who You are and what                                                                                             You will bring. 

You are neither bound nor free. You simply are. 

I want to be lost in You

 like traffic gets lost in the rain.

 I am not where I want to be... trudging along on pavement swallowed up in noise and surrounded by other automobiles and the like. 

But then - the rain comes. 

Hard. Then Harder. 

... beating against the windows. The noise  is drowned out because, good citizens... a           Mightier voice wants to be heard. Yes and You will be heard, My God. 

And in that moment - traffic doesn't matter. Listening does. O and I want to hear every word.  ( just don't let me crash--- cuz I am lost in you now). 

I want to be lost in You

 like a young woman who hasn't a clue on the peak of Mt. Baker. 

Where for the first time she hears her name warmly in the wind... a little too warmly and something is awakened inside of her that she didn't know existed. 

And suddenly she gazes out at her inheritance and is lost in the overwhelming realization of the More with You...with YOU Mighty King and Creator of the Universe - All Knowing, All Powerful, All Loving, strong, consuming, jealous, enthralling...

No. Enthralled. 

Enthralled? Enthralled with me? 

  ...

......... And I am lost.....

                 I imagine myself like a Jacaranda tree in the midnight... 

                 on top of a hill... 

                   And with my heartbeat, the purple becomes electric by the pulses 

                    and my flowers begin to blend with the stars as they are released by the cadence... 

We sway and dance together by moonlight in our own silent world... 

           You meet me as the Morning Star - greeting me with the Dawn - You flood my life. 

   And when You -O Morning Star, finally rise up to kiss my branches, electricity ushers in a glorious     Day - 

                laughter born from intimacy ... joy reaped from the Night. 

How they ache inside of me - protruding through my shell - functioning as though lifeless yet alive enough to feel the sorrow. 

Repentance is a gift and we numb ourselves to paralysis. 

But the pain murmurs deeply and quietly beneath my facade where I claim Lovesickness with boldness. 

But I am not Lovesick any more, dear sir. To love and yearn for it can only come out of tasting and seeing the joy that might be set on the horizon. 

I haven't tasted in a while. I've forgotten what I once burned for. 

I beseech you then, dear sir... to breathe life upon these broken bones. Could they stand again? Could they dance again? Could they fly again?

Daddy, can I hope again? Can I love again? I cry out to you in my season of despair. Show your voice. Where is my song? Come bless my broken bones, Papa. Heal me. 

Flood my heart and my path O God... reveal your path within my heart. Reveal the YES in my spirit for I know that in my depths, it longs for ONLY You. 

Father, 

I want to trust You so badly. Take me into Your arms and remind me that You have been holding me all along. 

It's not about trusting You in what You are doing, but trusting You in who You are. It's not about You loving me for what I do for You, but about loving me for who I am... for who You say I am. 

Oh Father, steal me from myself. Take me away - lift me up into Your reality into Your tangible atmosphere. 

I NEED YOU.